RWBY Volume 1 (But It's Written By LaughingLefou)
by Constable Paperbag
Summary: I like to bully my friends.


_The following story is an extract from a plot synopsis written by author LaughingLefou. He submitted his idea to Rooster Teeth Productions shortly before the release of RWBY Volume 1._

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The airship flew the students towards Beacon Academy like a big metal bird full of dumb kids. The children on board were some of the best and brightest Remnant had to offer. They would surely go on to be superb hunters and housewives. But there was one person among them who was truly destined for greatness.

A girl named Ruby and her sister Yang sat next to each other. Their last names are not important because they're not the focus of this story. Ruby was kicking her legs in the air excitedly and Yang was thinking about that Mars Bar she had for breakfast.

"This is so cool! We're going to Beacon together!" Ruby squeed. "I wonder what it's gonna be like. Do you think we'll fight dragon Grimm? Or learn how to-?"

"Slow down, Ruby," Yang chuckled. Her sister could be really zippy at times. "Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. Why don't we just take a step back away from the spotlight? It isn't where we belong."

Ruby slapped her head. Why didn't she remember that? "You're right, Yang. Sorry, I was feeling important for a second."

"It's alright. Just try to control yourself next time." Yang sighed dreamily and looked out of the window. "You know, I heard that _he_ is going to Beacon too."

Ruby's heart skipped a beat. "You don't mean-?"

"Yes. Jaune Arc's gonna be at the same school as us, lil' sis."

Jaune Arc. He was a legend among legends. He had single-handedly defeated an entire army of Grimm with nothing but his sword. His skills with a blade were so terrifying, that the God's themselves abandoned Remnant in fear of provoking his wrath. Often called the chosen one, he played by his own rules when it came to hunting and didn't take shit from anyone.

He was the coolest and most important person in the history of everything. To be in his presence was a great honour. Ruby felt her face getting hotter from thinking about him. "Jaune… he's so dreamy," she sighed. "Do you think he'll give me his autograph? Oh, who am I kidding? I don't deserve to be near him."

"Keep your chin up, Rubes," Yang said. "If you're lucky, he'll take you on a quest with him as a sidekick."

She could be so lucky…

"HE'S HERE!" screamed a girl who wasn't loved as a child. "JAUNE ARC IS HERE!"

All the students charged to the end of the ship like a stampede of wildebeests. Ruby was swept up by the horde, pushing past everyone to get a better view. She fought her way to the front and saw the man of her dreams.

Sitting in the VIP lounge of the ship was the magnificent Jaune Arc. Accompanied by his wife Neo, he waved to his admirers while sipping a can of beer flavoured beer. His face was absolute perfection. He was ruggedly handsome, yet clean in appearance, like a man with one half of his face shaved. He was a total hottie!

"Hah. So it begins," Jaune chuckled, addressing his adoring followers. "I see you've all found out I'm going to Beacon too. I just wanna say that though I appear confident and powerful, on the inside I am deeply tortured and insecure. But worry not, I'm still a normal guy. The most powerful, sexiest guy in the world, but still normal."

All the girls gushed and swooned and his poetic words. Most of the guys grumbled about how unfair life was, but really, there were just jealous that they weren't as cool as him. They had no one else to blame for their mediocrity but themselves.

Ruby watched in awe at the walking-talking work of art before her. She thought only onions had this many layers to them. One look at him and she knew: Jaune Arc's destiny was only just beginning. And she was honoured to be able to watch from the sidelines.

[/]

The great hall was almost as great as Jaune. Headmaster Ozpin had assembled them all there for an opening speech. Jaune was looking forward to sleeping in his luxurious room the school had given exclusively to him and his fair maiden Neo. Only the best for the best.

Speaking of maidens, he had a hard time trying to fend off all the girls who kept approaching him. It wasn't easy being the centre of attention all the time, but someone had to accept the responsibility. I mean, who else could? That Schnee girl? Please, she just had daddy issues. Her backstory compared nothing to his own tragic and deep one.

Ozpin stood on the stage and began speaking into the microphone. "I'll keep this brief. Jaune, if you don't want to listen to this, feel free to leave."

Jaune chose to stay. Despite his immense power, he wanted to feel like one of the other students. To be on their level. He was incredibly humble like that.

"Very well. As I was saying-"

"SALEM AKBAR!"

A powerful explosion blew out a huge chunk in the wall. Boulders of debris flew into the air and crushed Cardin Winchester and his friends to death instantly. Every student screamed in terror, dropped their weapons and hid under the stage, cowering like frightened worms. Even Ozpin himself was crouched down with his hands over his face and whimpering quietly.

Only Jaune Arc stood to face the horror, his eyes were without a trace of fear. Emerging from the smoke was his old foe - Cinder Fall!

"Nyhaha! You thought you had seen the last of me, Jaune Arc," the madwoman cackled. "But now my master plan will be unleashed! This is the end of the hunters!"

"That's where you're wrong, witch!" Jaune shouted. "For where there is light, there is hope! I am the light in the darkness that protects mankind from your wickedness! None are a match for me!"

"Oh, Jaune, please! You have to save us!" Ozpin squealed.

"Never fear, Ozpin. Her tyranny ends now!"

Jaune activated his power bestowed on him by the Gods. By sacrificing the lives of a few random individuals (these individuals being Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Yang and some kid named Oscar) he was able to use their combined strength to fire his ultimate attack - The JNPR Beam!

"NOOOOOOOO!" Cinder wailed as she was hit by the stream of energy. Her body burst into flames and she fell to the floor dead.

Everyone cheered his name. Jaune Arc, the hero of Remnant, had saved the day once again. And he didn't need anyone's help to do it. It was just him and him alone. Jaune was the man! Jaune was the man!

Neo came and jumped in his arms. "Oh, Jaune. Your act of heroism restored my voice," the girl cried happily.

Jaune grinned at his lover. "Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Sex."

The two went back to his bedroom and became intimate. Years of fighting and training had given Jaune a massive penis and sexual talents. The two came at _exactly_ the same time and slept next to each other.

The next morning, Jaune awoke to a text message from James Ironwood. The Grimm were fucking shit up again and only he could help. It was time to play hero again.

Neo watched him put on his plot armour and grab his family blade - Deus ex Marchina. "Please be careful, my love," she pleaded to him.

Jaune looked back and winked at her. "I always am" he smiled.

[/]

Meanwhile, in a far away land made of evil, Salem and her dark council were sat around a table sitting in rather uncomfortable chairs. The Queen of the Grimm was plotting her next move.

"Listen well, my servants. I want you to find and capture the boy Jaune Arc," Salem said. "With enough persuasion, I can potentially convince him to join our side. If not, I'll just kill him myself."

"As you wish, my lady," Watts said. "Now then, what of Ozpin and the Relics? How should we go about them?"

"Bah! I'm not concerned with such minor trivialities," she scoffed. "Jaune Arc is the main priority here and he always will be. How dare you waste my time like that!"

"I apologise, my lady."

"Apology accepted. But I'm still going to kill you anyway."

She snapped her fingers and a Goliath fell from the ceiling, crushing Watts with its big elephant bum.

"Now then. Here's how we're gonna capture Jaune." Salem leaned in closer, eyes flickering with evil intent. "I have spent thousands of years perfecting this plan. It is the greatest plan in the history of everything. It is so evil, so brilliant, so incredible that there's no way it can fail. We will capture Jaune by-

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 _The rest of the story was lost when Rooster Teeth threw the story in the fireplace._


End file.
